Disclaimer: I mention my personal beliefs.
It’s amazing to feel my spirit growing. I’ve never been able to actually feel it because usually my growth happens in such extensive periods that I have to look back in order to see. Well being here, as an All-Star, I find myself tested each and everyday. I question everything, realize things, learn and even experience emotions that I’m not yet comfortable with.
As an individual I am becoming all the more transparent. Growing up in care I was never okay with people knowing my situation or story. I never wanted the pity they offered in return the minute they knew I was a foster child. It is one thing to empathize and love someone and another to pity and feel sorrow. I was able to read people at a really young age and learned that they would judge. I felt that the only way to avoid the pity and sorrow would be to hide the truth. It also meant that I could suppress any emotions that were associated.
Never did I realize how much damage I was actually doing to myself. For years I avoided, dodged, white-lie to full out lied, covered up and extorted my reality. I only shared when I had no other choice and even then I felt extremely awkward that people knew my deepest and darkest secrets. I don’t know what was worse, the fact that they knew against my own willingness to tell them or the fact that they knew but would never be able to relate or understand. For years that’s just how it went. If I didn’t get the right vibe or care for someone to know then I would just lie or twist the story. If I actually respected and trusted the individual enough and felt like they deserved to know then I would share, but only pieces of information. It was like I felt stuck and I had no choice but to lie.
The minute my situation was brought up there were a million questions that would follow. I didn’t want to be the subject of anyone’s curiosity so I kept my mouth shut. Unfortunately, for each moment I kept my mouth shut I missed out on an opportunity to teach someone. I realize it now years later. I feel as if that’s why I’m in the position I am now. It’s time to begin teaching. I’m willing to share my every piece of pain, hopelessness, discomfort, abuse and trauma that I’ve ever experienced in order to save another child or youth from experiencing anything similar.
When we remain silent we suppress ourselves from being heard. When we are ready to use our voices we then have the ability to speak up for ourselves in addition to those that will remain silenced. If all it takes is for me to grow from feeling uncomfortable in having my soul exposed, then I’m ready. I can honestly say that human judgment doesn’t affect me like it once did when I was a child. I no longer care whether or not someone will pity or feel sorrow for me, as long as that pity and sorrow will turn into a form of action. I’m beginning to realize that when I’m uncomfortable I have the ability to make others uncomfortable.
Change won’t happen until we experience that level of discomfort and feel the need to adjust the circumstances. I can begin to offer that through simply just sharing my personal stories and experiences. I also have the ability to share my experience and connect with youth who can relate.
There is no need to be ashamed of what you experience and undergo because in reality we all have something that we’ve experienced that feels shameful. When we allow ourselves to let go of that shame we can then allow our souls to experience liberation. I feel like it’s at that moment that we begin to heal. It definitely didn’t happen overnight for me though. Someone really important was able to assist me through my process. I know that it took reassurance in and from God to know that I could break down each barrier that stood in my way.
Barriers that existed in the world already for foster youth and each additional barrier I created for myself out of fear. Fear that derived from the trust I had put into the very people who had in return exposed me. Part of healing is disarming your fears. I put so much emphasis in trusting people that I forget who I could trust with everything. Eventually my fears slowly began to diminish. I began to forgive and accept people. I even had to realize that my deepest and darkest secrets were nothing to a God who sees all. As I continue to heal each day (yes, each day) I realize that everyone has that same effect if they would see beyond their fears. I will be the first to tell you that it’s not easy to stand there and expose yourself. In reality though sometimes it’s the only way we can reach others.
Being an All-Star and continuing to share my story and see its impact, regardless the size, is reassurance to me that when you overcome your fears you have unlimited possibilities. Until next time…