I met my adoptive parents when i was 10, events up to that point i was in multiple foster homes. I wasn't the best acting child in the world. My mother lost her parental rights that year so my depression seemed to get deeper and deeper and deeper. Everyday i would cry about something i would remember about my past. The abandonment from my mother, the abuse way before I was in the system. Slowly by surly the bereavement process did die down. I have my adoptive parents to thank for that.They helped me through it. It seemed at the time that they could be the "Filler" for that empty void within my heart. To replace a lost and start anew. We developed a relationship for the fist two years i was with them. It was a deep relationship. I soon felt love, a deep love as i have felt with my real mother. When i was 12 the adoption was finalized. To my understanding (at least then)When a couple agrees to adopt a child of children it is a if i came out of my adoptive mothers womb. That is what the law says. My birth certificate was rendered to show that my adoptive mother and father was indeed my Mother and Father. By blood and blood alone. Family meant a lot to me back then. Family, that word how much depth it could have and how shallow it can become. its like a bucket it could be full to the brim but if something tips it over that depth can be lost.

Well, lets say every year past, that bucket got kicked over and a potion of that depth spilled over.
Only i thought unconditional love keep refilling it keeping it to the tip top. Sadly it didn't. Us foster kids come with a lot of baggage. The pain i had as a 12 year old. The rape, the physical abuse, the anger i had, wasn't going to just go away.
We tried the therapy route, the medication route, the psychiatric facility route. It took me a little over 10 years to get over a lot of that pain. the first 5 years my adoptive parents were by my side. those years the unconditional love started to wear on them. To this day i do not know why, i could sit here and wonder "Why" but i'm not going to do that because the question "why" should have never came up. There are a lot of "shoulds" and "could haves"

When i was 15 my parents petitioned the court for services. A FINS petition. FINS stands for "Familys in Need Of Services"
It cost money to get therapy, and going to facilitates. Thats not when my parents lost the unconditional love but that's when it started to tip the bucked and the more it got tipped the more unconditional love became "Conditional Love"

When i was 16 i had a visitation in a DCFS office with my adoptive parents. i was already in and out of foster homes. the same ol thing before i was 10. The told me maybe it would be better if we go our separate ways. I said "no, please no"
it didn't matter what i said. IT took me 5 more years to realize i wasn't apart of their family anymore. All i wanted to do was go home. all i ever wanted to do is go home. during that time i was acting better. doing my school work. doing what others expected of me. I couldn't convince them i was better. it ate me up inside.

So here is my message to couples who are looking to adopt us foster kids:

Don't you dare turn your back. This is more of a commitment.
This is family. Its not pick and choose. When you sign that adoption paper it is more than "law" to that kid, it is blood to that kid. I remember time literally stopping in that split second i looked at that paper and asked myself is this the right thing to do?

If you are planning to adopt, that's great.you better make sure its more about blood and not words on a paper. make that child your own, not what is based on petty legal documents. because if you cant make it about blood, its better if you were to never even talk to the kid, set eyes on that kid. Believe me, it would be better if you never met and added problems to an already problem filled child.

That's about it. I hope you make the right decesion.